NPD In the beginning …

It all seemingly begins like a normal love story, boy meets girl, it’s all chocolates and roses and compliments and it seems that you have met “the one”.

In hindsight though, it quickly showed its unhealthy side.

My story …

It was not until years later when I realised that I was living with NPD partner, I decided to stop on my way to home and go for a bush walk in a National Park where we had often gone for picnics when we were dating.  It was here that the memories of the early days came flooding back and I cried for I felt “I should have known then” ,“I should have seen the signs”, “how could I have been so stupid”.

It was all small things, that in isolation may not have been a clue or may have indicated a bad day or actually now I would say NO, these were signs that this was not normal.

I was always doing something wrong and being reprimanded, I was often embarrassing him, belittling him, emasculating him …. But, for the life of me I could not work out how, yet I still apologized and did something for him to make amends (let’s not go there just yet).  I realise now that this is part of there insidious plan to gain control and have you second guessing yourself all the time.

The Jar:  We were at a family party and I was opening a jar, he offered help and I said thanks but I am all good and proceeded to open the jar.   On the way home the tirade came, I had emasculated him in front of everyone but not allowing him to open the jar.  Ok, I was young and now confused and yep apologised… WTF

Mushrooms on the BBQ:  We were having a picnic and I had packed what I thought would be some yummy ingredients to make super special burgers for our date.  So, he cooked the BBQ because he wanted to  and put the burgers together in the way he wanted to.  Anyway, the burgers were soggy …. Apparently, I had deliberately sabotaged his cooking by including the mushrooms and now had ruined the day …WTF again.  How do I explain to this logic that I had no intent on any level.  Apology + payout required.

Fashions on the Field:  Being that he was all about image, I went to lengths to try and step up and make big effort to present at the level he wanted (expected?) and though I like a good party, I like real people.  Anyway, so came the big race day carnival and we were going to the big event at the race day with all the somebodies (and yes some are really nice).  So, with the effort I put in, I was pleased when I was picked for Fashions on the Field and assumed that he would be stoked because he could say “his partner” was in it.  So, I didn’t win, so it wasn’t good enough and with that I was told that he was embarrassed that I could not hold myself up straight enough and he was embarrassed that I was “hunched” … again WTF.

The stories are many, the underlying theme the same:

What I did :

  • Always deliberate
  • Always embarrassing
  • Often emasculating

And the after effects were always the same

  • Judgement
  • Punishment
  • Retribution
  • Expectation that I apologize and “perform” a make up act or service

 CC xo

Read Jacinta’s tips on how to handle the recovery from a marriage to a narcissist and how to handle co-parenting!